An Interview with a Pyromancer
July 5th, 2010
Hello and welcome once again to Dark Designs, the column devoted to discussing design, development, and dungeon-mastering. This week, for the scrying-impaired who don’t already know, is EXPLOSIONS! week, dedicated to, well, combustible surprises. As yesterday was the 4th of July, it seems pretty clear that this week’s Dark Designs will be action-packed with excitement, rogue fireworks flying in every direction.
I was sorely tempted to devote this article to the discussion of designing (and building) a nice, big, artistic explosion, but my staff seems to think for some odd reason that it wouldn’t be a good idea to post a handy-dandy “how to” guide to building explosives on our site. Something about how much of a pain it would have to be to reset all the traps and re-animate all our minions if the FBI decided to storm our lair.
So, I sent a mephit to Adam Ragar, my counterpart with Pyromancers of the Pacific, and he was kind enough to agree to an interview (he owed me one from his Creative Combustion article for Undead week, a little while back) on the topic of explosions, and, because he has a bit of a one-track mind, fire in general. (Yes, that’s right, this is one of those silly interview articles a la Mark Rosewater, so those of you who don’t care for that sort of thing may want to skip to the bottom, where you will find Eldrazi waiting for you.)
(Note: because we both have the same initials, I will be designated with “NNW” for Necromancers of the Northwest and he will be designated with “PP” for Pyromancers of the Pacific)
NNW: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me.
PP: Thank you for having me. I’ll take any opportunity to spread the word about Pyromancers of the Pacific, especially if it means talking about my favorite subject: fiery explosions.
NNW: So, as a pyromancer—
PP: That’s Pyromancer with a capital “P.” Don’t make me demonstrate the difference on your furniture.
NNW: Pyromancer with a capital “P” then. Please be careful with that, it’s genuine bodak skin.
PP: Ooh, very nice. Real bodak is very hard to come by these days, what with their not making the cut for the Pathfinder Bestiary.
NNW: I know, I had it specially imported from 4th edition.
PP: That must have cost a pretty penny.
NNW: Not really, we have a GSL now, so, they give us a bit of a discount.
PP: Is that so? I didn’t know they were letting necromancers into 4th edition?
NNW: We’ve been working on fixing that around here. Have you seen our Master Necromancer class feature?
PP: I don’t really spend much time on your site, to be honest. I prefer printed books: it’s a lot more costly to keep replacing burned monitors.
NNW: I see. Anyway, it’s not like they have evocation or pyromancy specialists in 4th edition.
PP: Maybe not on the surface. Try taking a closer look: just about every wizard is an evocation specialist, and with careful selection of abilities and feats—astral fire comes to mind—being a proper Pyromancer is easier than ever.
NNW: Glad things are going well for you.
PP: Oh, it’s not all fun and games. But still, it’s nice to no long be playing second fiddle to the save-or-die type casters. The years really haven’t treated your school very well, have they, Alex?
NNW: What do you mean?
PP: Well, think back to the good old days in third edition. Necromancy had everything: save-or-die, direct damage, creature generation, debuffs…there was basically nothing you guys weren’t good at.
NNW: Those were pretty good times.
PP: And then what happens? Fourth edition comes along and your two big tricks don’t mesh with their new vision: save-or-die? Their saves don’t even work the same way, and they don’t like auto-death in any event. And raising minions? That sort of thing just mucks up their system.
NNW: There were still options…
PP: Sure, if you wanted to be a warlock you could have some powers that sort of sounded necromancer-y. But keep in mind, fourth edition likes its PCs bright and shiny. And to be honest, nothing disagrees with bright and shiny quite like zombie minions.
NNW: Like I said, we’re working out our differences…
PP: But what really surprises me is how gung-ho you’ve been with Pathfinder. I mean, I guess it’s any port in a storm for you guys, but still, Pathfinder isn’t exactly the most necromancy-friendly system either.
NNW: What are you talking about? They didn’t change any of our spells, and have you SEEN the benefits we get now? We can finally turn undead! As just plain wizards! Or dominate them!
PP: Yeah, sure, that’s nice, I guess. If you’re into that sort of thing. But it’s a long step down from being the powerhouse you were in proper 3.5.
NNW: I already told you, they didn’t change our spells…
PP: It’s not the spells I’m talking about. Third edition is all about the save-or-dies, and you’re just not the king of that anymore.
NNW: Oh, really? And if necromancy isn’t the go-to school for save-or-dies, then that school would be…?
PP: Enchantment.
NNW: Enchantment? I think you may have forgotten what “die” means.
PP: Yes, because it’s so much better to be enthralled. And so much worse for the enchanter.
NNW: Fair enough, but, what makes them better all of a sudden?
PP: Two things. First, they no longer need to live in fear of protection from evil rendering them completely pointless.
NNW: Well, you got me there, I guess, but that still doesn’t make them better than an honest-to-badness necromancer.
PP: “Honest-to-badness”? Really? You have no idea how incredibly cheesy that sounds, do you?
NNW: Yeah, whatever, get on with it.
PP: Bloodlines.
NNW: Bloodlines?
PP: Free +2 to all your charm, or, better yet, compulsion DCs? Bloodlines.
NNW: That can’t be right…
PP: Look it up. Infernal and Fey, respectively.
NNW: I can’t believe this! Why was I not informed about this?
PP: You crypt-types always have trouble keeping up with the times.
NNW: Well… I mean… what do I do now? Necromancy will never be fully accepted into fourth edition, and I’m sure as hell not going to play second fiddle to some smarmy enchanter. I bet they all have goatees, the smug bastards!
PP: These things happen. You think it was easy for me transitioning from AD&D to third edition?
NNW: You’re not nearly old enough to have been around for that.
PP: Yeah, whatever. By the time I came onto the scene my school was practically obsolete. “Evocation is for beginners and people who don’t care about being effective,” they’d say! Evocation used to be one of the most powerful schools of magic, but NOOO they just had to go and give everyone a ton of extra hit points without making my fireballs any bigger!
NNW: That, uh… that must’ve been pretty tough…
PP: Tough? You bet it was tough! And when they added in feats and things to make evocation more effective, what was their go-to element? Was it trusty, flashy, faithful and effective fire? Could the Pyromancers get any love? NO!
NNW: H-hey! Watch it with that! I don’t need you wrecking my furniture!
PP: No, it was all about COLD spells. Get extra damage per die on your cold spells! Ignore cold resistance! IGNORE IT!
NNW: Well, in fairness they had that hellfire prestige class…
PP: For WARLOCKS!
NNW: Yeah, well, but things are good for you now, right, in 4th edition?
PP: Yeah, they’re pretty sweet. Back in the day all I really got to do was direct damage. And it was nice, and all, but with powers and everything they have these days I get to do a little more. Move people around, put conditions on them, that sort of thing. Hurling fireballs has really become a thinking man’s game.
NNW: Though, you don’t really get to call yourself a pyromancer—sorry, Pyromancer.
PP: Well, THEY don’t call me that. But obviously I call myself that. You do remember the company I work for, right?
NNW: Well, it’s been a pleasure sitting down with you, so, if it’s all right with you, would you mind doing the honors?
PP: Honors?
NNW: Yeah, you know, going out on a…well…I mean, it’s EXPLOSIONS! week, you’re a Pyromancer, I just sort of figured…
PP: Wow, you really are that cheesy, then?
NNW: Occupational hazard of necromancy.
PP: How do you figure?
NNW: 96% of all necromancers are either an archvillain, or working to become an archvillain. And archvillainy requires a certain level of… I guess you would say “cheese.”
PP: Ah. I wasn’t aware your school of magic was still in the 90s. You’ll notice I haven’t made a single fire pun all interview.
NNW: I expect my readers will be incredibly disappointed. Now, if you don’t mind?
PP: Right, right, if it’s absolutely necessary.
NNW: And it is.
PP: Sigh…very well…“bang.”
Now that that's settled, it's time for some Eldrazi. First and foremost, it's come to my attention that due to a clerical error, I never actually released the moderate or greater Eldrazi spawn for 4th edition. So, here they are
